Gym survival guide

For those of you unlucky enough to have to use a public gym, you're probably aware of the consequences of such misfortune. You've either had to stare at some woman's fat ass for forty five minutes while running on the treadmill behind her,(not because you're trying to stare at her whole-hog, but because her hog takes up your whole field of vision) or you've come into contact with men who like to dry their balls with a blow dryer in the locker room.

Such atrocious sites and acts are not uncommon in public gyms. Having witnessed some of these atrocities myself, I've decided to write a survival guide for those who must endure the general public.

Survival rules:

#1 Do not chat up the 40 something fat divorcee.

This is very important. She may seem harmless and friendly on the outside, but on the inside she's secretly trying to corner you into a conversation about her failed marriage. She'll talk about how much of a jerk her ex-husband was and how she was never appreciated. Before you know it she'll be telling you, "you're nice" and offering up her email/telephone number so you two can get together so she can tell you more about her failed marriage. Just end the problem before it even starts. Don't talk to her.

#2 The guy who wears Tapout T-shrits/hats and MMA accesories is there to fight you.

Don't believe what people say. Guys who wear those MMA(Mixed martial arts) T-shirts aren't just fans. They wear them so they can get in fights with people. Guys who wear those shirts to the gym are there to fight you! That's right, you. It doesn't matter that he's just minding his own business doing curls in the squat rack, he's there to fight YOU. You need to take the initiative. You need to take the first swing at him. It's best to hit him while he's in the middle of doing his curls. This way you can get a few shots in before he arm bars you.

#3 "Hey, you got pretty good form, how much is your squat max?"

That's gay code for, "hey I was checking out your ass while you were squatting, wanna go to the locker room and lick each others balls?" This one is up to you. If you're gay then go for it, but get off my site. If you're straight and don't want him to lick your balls then just pretend you didn't hear him. If he presses the issue report him to the front desk for sexual harassement.

#4 Young 16-18 year old girls with large tits and a fuck-me ass.

When you see young attractive girls who dress in an inviting manner, you must go up to her and say something crass. Something along the lines of, "hello" followed by a grab to her hog will do. If you don't do this she'll think you're gay. She'll spread rumors about your gayness all around the gym, then the next thing you know guys will start coming up to you and asking, "how much you squat".

#5 Attractive moms with their attractive daughters.

When an attractive mom is at the gym with her attractive daughter, it's, "girls night out". They're out to get laid. Just go up and grab their hogs. Why do this? See rule number four.

#6 When taking a shit at the gym, take the handicap stall

What a dickhead move you say? It's not about being dick, it's about survival. The larger handicap stall allows you more maneuverability. Having the extra room allows you to escape the many attempted butt rapes that occur each year in public gyms. You'll really appreciate the extra two feet of leg room you have when the assailant attempts to grab your legs from underneath the door.

#7 After taking a shit(in the handicap stall) never wash your hands

You really think other people wash their hands? Nobody at the gym washes their hands. It's a hassle. Nobody wants to do it. When you put your hand on the 25lb dumbell, what you're really doing is putting your hand up some guys ass. Or it could be some woman's ass. A fat woman's ass. Who knows. The point is nobody washes their hands, and you shouldn't either. You're not special. Don't try to be a hero.

#8 When another man approaches you and asks, "how many sets do you have left?"

He isn't really asking you that. He's not interested in using the machine after you. No, he's challenging your dominance. He's really trying to start a fight with you. "How many sets do you have left" really means "you prick, wanna go?". When an attractive woman asks you that she really means, "rub my hog please". But when a fat woman says it she means, "you prick, wanna go?" Be sure to take necesarry action.

#9 Always try to go to the gym as early as possible

When you go to the gym early in the A.M, you'll mostly run into old retired people. The great thing about old retired people is they're easy to boss around. They can't do shit back. You push one off the treadmill, he can't fight back. His seventy year old friends can't help him either. They're too old. But watch out for the ones in the Tapout/MMA t-shirts. They'll armbar you.

#10 "King dick rules the gym"

This is a quote to live by. If you're king dick, you get first dibs on any machine, any treadmill, any piece of ass(man or woman). It's okay if you're not really a strong guy. You just need to appear strong. Forget about working your legs. Nobody looks at your legs, especially if you're always wearing long pants. Just work up your chest and arms, wear cutoff shirts and a beanie. Walk around with a mean look on your face and pick on people. Just don't mess with the guys doing squats or deadlifts, because they'll fight back and kick your ass.

Well, there you have it. Public gyms like public anything can be a jungle. There are strict guidelines one must follow in order to survive and even thrive. By following my survival guide you'll not only avoid multiple attempts of rape to your ass, but you may even score some ass of your own(man or woman).