Swine flu and minorities.

So far a total of one thousand Americans have died from this swine flu. No big deal. A thousand is nothing. You're more likely to die from random acts of violence. Even if your neighborhood doesn't have blacks or mexicans. The flu is fine. It's harmless. Embrace it.

New World Order. One world currency conspiracy theory.

The new world currency will be ass, gas or grass.

Whenever I give rides I secretly hope she pays with ass, but the bitch always offers gas money.

He's got his whole life ahead of him.

Just as a disclaimer: it's not gay if your balls don't touch.

The issue of uncut dicks have not been resolved. Most guys in the United States have had their weeners cut when they were born. I don't know why this horrendous act is still done today. It was done in the past to keep the penis clean because they didn't have soap. It was also done to keep young boys from masturbating.

Let me explain something about dicks. If you have a circumsized penis, then your masturbation experience isn't as good as mine. For starters, I have a very vivid and sick imagination. That and my penis is uncircumsized. When your penis is cut your hand feels like sand paper rubbing up against it unless you use lotion. Considering the average American guy masturbates atleast eight times a day, that's a lot of lotion to be buying.

In modern times we don't really need to circumsize boys. We have soap, and it's been established that masturbation is okay, even pretty enjoyable. So why do people still have their infant boys circumsized? One of the reasons for the mother is, "I don't want him to think he is different than his dad".

Fair enough. You don't want him to feel alienated. You want him to be just like dad. That makes sense. But seriously, how many fucking times do you think the young boy is going to see his dad's dick? I've never ever seen my dad's dick and I'm proud.

So there really is no reason to cut your infant boy. Every time a discussion about circumsized dicks come up, all the guys get all defensive. I don't blame them though, if my dick was cut, I'd defend circumsition too. Of course I'd also secretly wish I had skin.

So do yourself, your child and this world a favor. Stop cutting your infant boys. He's not going to masturbate less if you cut him. He'll just be spending more money on lotion, vaseline and ranch dressing. He's just a child. He has his whole life ahead of him. Let him enjoy the good things in life.

The sad state of affairs

I'm thinking about getting one of those brick phones from the late 90's. The ones that have a big antennae sticking out of it. Even better if it's connected to a suitcase.

The thing is every asshole brain surgeon, businessman, high school student, jr. high student, construction worker, janitor, homeless person and Puerto Rican has a new touch screen flip phone. It's gay when the guy who cuts your grass has a more expensive phone than you. I say fuck it. Stop trying to keep up with the Jones, or in California's case, the Hernandez's.

I'm going back to a big giant brick phone. It'll be hard to carry around. I'd have to get larger pants with deeper pockets, but the good news is maybe a rap star will notice my super OG big pants and invite me to be in a rap music video. Or maybe not. Fuck Al Gore.

The "Prove you're not a racist" game show

With the way this country is going, I think it would be appropriate to have a new type of game show. You know, as a sign of the times. The game show would be called, "Prove you're not a racist". It would be hosted by a pale liberal Jew homosexual who is not only well read, but is also a vegan and posseses a communications degree.

The game show would have three contestants. All of which are white and pathetic. The object of the game is to try and prove you're not a racist in under thirty seconds. To do so, contestants must list off the top of their heads the many things that make them progressive and tolerant.

Example:

1st contestant: Ugh I know black people! My neighbor's sister's tax account's doctor's best friend's massage therapist is black. I voted for Obama. I support affirmative action. I don't lock my doors when driving through minority neighborhoods. I'm all for interracial relationships! My sister is dating a black man!

2nd contestant: Oh my ex husband's best friend was black. His name was Tyrone and we got along quite well, thank you. I shop at black owned businesses! I'm all for illegal immigration and affirmative action. I think Jews deserve to be in Israel. Fuck Palestine, Jews were there first. I think it's great Asian females are news anchors.

3rd contestant: "Oh my best friend happens to be black"

The judging will be done from a panel of three blacks(African Americans). The judges will decide on who provided the best proof of not being a racist. The winner will receive $5000, half of which will be donated to the NAACP.

At the end of the show all the contestants, judges and audience will get on stage and start dancing to rap.